Pun Generator: 314 Puns on Food, Animals, Jobs and More: how it works
This pun generator holds 314 finished puns. Every pun opens with the thing it is about, so the Starts with menu works like an index: choose B for bakers, bananas, bees and bicycles. 120 come from joke books printed between 1876 and 1915, and each names its book on the card.
Find a pun by its first letter
Most puns begin with Why or What, so they are hard to look up. Here every line opens with its subject: Cats, Clouds, Carpenters. Choose C in the Starts with menu and each press stays on that letter, 39 puns. One of the six chips narrows it again: C with Animals leaves ten, from cats to crows. A two-word subject sits under its first word, so ice cream is under I. Every letter but X has a pun. The address keeps your chip and letter, so a bookmark opens the same way.
Old puns and newer ones
The 120 old puns each began as a question and answer in one of four conundrum books, free at Project Gutenberg and linked under the full list. "Why are blacksmiths the most discontented of tradesmen? Because they are always on the strike for wages." became "Blacksmiths are never happy with their pay. They are always on the strike for wages." The other 194 have no known author and are in our own words.
Tips
Tap Holidays and seasons before you write a card: 38 puns, from reindeer to Easter eggs.
Nothing comes back until every pun under your chip and letter has been shown, so the 55 food puns last 55 presses.
Everyone sees the same pun of the day, so a team chat can groan at one line together.
Questions and answers
Can this pun generator make a pun from my word?
No. It is a collection, not a pun maker: each press picks one of 314 finished puns by chance. To get near your word, choose its first letter in the Starts with menu. To write your own, list words that sound like yours, then swap one into a well-known saying.
Are the puns clean?
Yes. Every line was read twice. Anything about drink, romance or weapons came out, and so did every joke that laughs at people for who they are or how they look. Jokes about a trade, such as bakers and dentists, stayed.
What makes a pun work?
One word that can be heard two ways, in a sentence where both make sense. Take "Bakers are bad with money. They keep selling the very thing they knead." Knead sounds like need, and a baker who sells what he needs is bad with money. The groan is the listener catching both meanings at once.
Apples at the very top of the tree are the best. Each one is a tip-top apple.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Bananas go to the doctor when they are not peeling well.
Beets make a thin dinner. When one is all there is on the table, that beet's all.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Bread and the sun are alike. Both rise from the yeast, and both are light when they rise.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Burgers greet everyone the same way: nice to meat you.
Butter jokes are best kept to yourself. They spread.
Celery never gets rich. It works for a very small celery.
Cheese that belongs to somebody else is nacho cheese.
Coffee has a rough start to the day. It gets mugged every morning.
Corn has a family joke. The baby calls its dad pop corn.
Cornfields are no place for secrets. There are too many ears, and they are easily shocked.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Cucumbers that sit too long in the jar find themselves in a pickle.
Deserts are a fine place for lunch, because of the sand which is there.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Doughnuts go to the dentist when they need a new filling.
Egg jokes are easy to like. Everyone enjoys a good yolk.
Eggs never tell each other jokes. They would crack up.
Grapes never shout when you step on them. They just let out a little whine.
Herb growers never rush. They have plenty of thyme.
Ice cream is easiest to find on a sundae.
Lemons that feel ill just need a little lemon aid.
Lettuce has one thing to say to the rabbits in the garden: lettuce alone.Retold from Puzzles and Oddities (1876).
Lettuce wins every race in the garden. It is always a head.
Melons always have a big wedding. They cantaloupe.
Milk is the quickest drink there is. It is pasteurized before you even see it.
Mushrooms get asked to every party. Each one is a fun guy.
Noodles that pretend to be something else are impastas.
Nuts all sneeze the same way: cashew.
Onions belong next to potatoes in the garden. They bring tears to the potatoes' eyes, which saves on watering.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Oranges are like church towers. You get a good peel from each.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Oranges stop halfway up the hill when they run out of juice.
Palm trees are good at history. They always have plenty of dates.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Pancake jokes tend to fall flat.
Peaches are run like an army. There is a kernel in the middle of each one.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Pears never go anywhere alone. They travel in pairs.
Peas are all some people want at dinner: a little peas and quiet.
Peppermints are worth a fortune. The people who sell them make a mint.
Peppers can be nosy. The hot ones get jalapeno business.
Pickles think they are a big dill.
Pizza jokes are all in the delivery.
Plum puddings and oceans are alike. Both hold a great many currants.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Puddings win every argument. They are full of raisins.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Rolls hot from the oven and caterpillars can do the same trick. They make the butter fly.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Rolls make it easy to eat before you get up. Just take a roll in bed.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Sausage jokes are the wurst.
Soup cooks like to take stock at the end of the day.
Soup made of gold takes 24 carrots.
Steak puns are a rare medium, well done.
Strawberries are best raised with a spoon.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Strawberries hate traffic. They always end up in a jam.
Tomatoes turn red because they see the salad dressing.
Turnips are the most reliable vegetable. They always turn up.
Vegetable jokes can be a little corny.
Waffles can never make up their minds. They just waffle.
Watermelons are full of water for a good reason. The seeds are planted in the spring.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Yogurt spends its weekends at the museum. It is very cultured.
Animals 66
Alligators in vests are called investigators.
Anteaters never catch a cold. They are full of anty bodies.
Bats are easy to find after dark. They just hang around.
Bears like to go without shoes. They prefer bear feet.
Beehives are bad potatoes. A beehive is a bee holder, a beholder is a spectator, and a specked tater is a bad potato.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Bees that hum all day and do no work are a nuisance. Each one is a humbug.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Bees with messy hair reach for a honeycomb.
Birds are gloomy first thing in the morning. Their little bills are all over dew.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Birds that feel ill fly off for some tweetment.
Bulls that fall asleep are called bulldozers.
Cats and commas are easy to tell apart. One has claws at the end of its paws, the other a pause at the end of a clause.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Cats sleep best in summer, when the garden is full of cat-a-pillows.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Cheetahs are hard to play board games with. The name gives it away.
Chickens cross the playground to get to the other slide.
Chicks too tired to lift their heads are like seven days. One is a weak one, and the other is one week.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Colts should stay out of the cold. They might catch a chill and end up a little hoarse.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Cows and rickety chairs differ in one small way. One gives milk, and the other gives whey.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Cows spend their night off at the moovies.
Crabs never share their toys. They are shellfish.
Crows would make good lawyers. They love to have their caws heard.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Dinosaurs that know a lot of words are called thesauruses.
Dinosaurs that sleep all day are called dino-snores.
Dog tails and the hearts of trees sit in the same place: the farthest spot from the bark.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Dog tails are always something new. Nobody ever saw one before, because it is always behind.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Dogs can't dance. They have two left feet.
Dogs dress warmer in summer than in winter. In winter they wear a fur coat, and in summer a coat and pants.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Dogs with a sore paw walk the way you add six and seven. They put down three and carry one.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Dolphins never do anything by accident. It is all on porpoise.
Ducks always pick up the check. They just put it on their bill.
Ducks go under the water for diverse reasons and come back out for sun-dry ones.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Eagles with a cold are what the law calls ill eagle.
Elephants packed the most for the ark: a whole trunk. The fox and the rooster shared a brush and a comb.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Elephants stay off computers. They are afraid of the mouse.
Fish are well taught. They have a taste for going in schools.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Fish stay off the computer. They don't trust the net.
Fleas are like a long winter. Each one makes a backward spring.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Fleas get around by itch-hiking.
Flies are the grocer's quickest shoppers. When one comes in for sugar, it settles on the spot.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Frogs play two games: leapfrog and croaky.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Frogs that park in the wrong place get toad away.
Giraffes are slow to say sorry. It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Goats are hard to take seriously. They are always kidding.
Hens give the best deal on the farm. For every grain, they give a peck.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Hogs and trees do the same work. Both root for a living.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Hogs are smarter than they look. A hog nose everything.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Horses eat best when they have not a bit in their mouths.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Horses make calm neighbors. They all come from stable homes.
Kangaroo mothers hate rainy days. The kids have to play inside.
Koalas get every job they go for. They have all the koalafications.
Leopards are bad at hide and seek. Wherever they go, they are spotted.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Llamas love a picnic. Ask one along and it says: alpaca lunch.
Octopuses start laughing after exactly ten tickles.
Otters dream of flying to otter space.
Owls are no good at knock-knock jokes. They keep asking who.
Parrots should learn to speak in polly-syllables.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Pigs in the living room are like a house on fire. The sooner they are put out, the better.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Pigs rub oinkment on a sore knee.
Seagulls fly over the sea. If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
Sheep are the easiest animals to double. You just fold them.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Sheep get their wool trimmed at the baa-baa shop.
Sheep pens are the one kind of pen you should never write with.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Snails feel sluggish on Monday mornings.
Spiders are good at keeping in touch. They drop a line by every post.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Spiders are handy with computers. They make fine web designers.
Spiders that run late for dinner just take a fly.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Whales check their weight at a whale weigh station.
Science and nature 49
Angles under 90 degrees get all the praise. Everyone says they are acute.
Ash trees come through a fire unchanged. Burn them and they are ashes still.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Astronauts pack their sandwiches in a launch box.
Atoms can't be trusted. They make up everything.
Averages are the unkindest numbers. They are mean.
Batteries that have run down are given away free of charge.
Biologists love a quick cell-fie.
Books about anti-gravity are impossible to put down.
Chemistry jokes are hard to tell. There is never a reaction.
Clouds wear thunderwear under their raincoats.
Clouds would make good coach drivers. They hold the rains.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Computers catch a cold when somebody leaves a window open.
Computers snack on microchips, one byte at a time.
Dog stars are easy to name. Each one is a sky terrier.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Elder trees are the oldest trees in any forest.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Flowers ride their bikes by pushing the petals.
Fog and falling stars are nearly the same. One is mist on earth, and the other is missed in the sky.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Geology rocks, but geography is where it's at.
Grass under snow turns a color of its own: invisible green.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Lines that run parallel have so much in common. It is a shame they will never meet.
Magnets make friends easily. They are very attractive.
Math books look sad because they are full of problems.
Moon restaurants serve fine food but have no atmosphere.
Moons are cheap. A whole one comes to just four quarters.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Mountains are more than funny. They are hill areas.
Oceans are friendly. They always wave.
Photons never check a bag. They travel light.
Planets hum their favorite songs: Nep-tunes.
Plants are good at math. They grow square roots.
Polygons are what you have left when the parrot gets out.
Rivers are rich. Each one has two banks.
Rock collectors take nothing for granite.
Sevens scare the other numbers, because seven eight nine.
Sodium jokes get the same reply from every chemist: Na.
Space parties are easy to throw. You just planet.
Stars are the best astronomers. They have studded the heavens for a very long time.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Stars that stay in one place are like pens and paper. They are stationary.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Storms come in two colors. The wind blue and the waves rose.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Sunsets make good seeds. Plant a setting sun and up comes a morning glory.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Sunshine has a day job. It works as a tanner.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Thermometers are the best-schooled things in the lab. They have so many degrees.
Trees get new outfits without opening their trunks. They just leave out their summer clothing.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Trees get on the computer the usual way. They log in.
Trees that break a window hear the same cry from every pane: tree, mend us.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Triangles with an obtuse angle are always upset. They are never right.
Tulips are the flowers that grow between your nose and your chin.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Watches are handy when you are thirsty. There is a spring inside each one.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Windows turn into stars the day they become a skylight.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Zeros always say the same thing to eights: nice belt.
Jobs 54
Actors with a broken leg are still in the cast.
Archaeologists have careers that lie in ruins.
Artists who run out of canvas can always draw on their imagination.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Astronomers and theater managers have the same job. Both are always looking for new stars.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Bakers are bad with money. They keep selling the very thing they knead.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Balloon sellers keep raising their prices. They blame inflation.
Bankers quit when they lose interest.
Barbers win every race. They know all the short cuts.
Blacksmiths are never happy with their pay. They are always on the strike for wages.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Blacksmiths make one insect all day long. They make the fire fly.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Builders and reporters fail the same way: by putting up stories without foundations.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Calendar makers get in trouble for taking a single day off.
Carpenters have good reason to doubt that stone exists. They never saw it.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Carpenters who retire become ex-plainers.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Chimney sweeps love the work. It soots them.
Cobblers and parsons do the same work. Each looks after the soles of the village.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Conductors always know the score.
Cooks can be tough. They beat the eggs and whip the cream.
Dentists are a gloomy lot. They spend the whole day looking down in the mouth.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Dentists like to meet at tooth-hurty.
Divers in the deep sea work under a lot of pressure.
Doctors get most annoyed when they are out of patients.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Drummers are hard to beat.
Electricians keep up with current events.
Elevator operators and balloon pilots lead the same life. It is all ups and downs.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Farmers gather what they sow. Dressmakers sew what they gather.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Fishermen and lazy pupils are easy to tell apart. One baits his hook, and the other hates his book.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Fishing crews must be rich. Everything they make is net profit.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Fishmongers can't help seeming greedy. Their work makes them sell fish.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Florists run a budding business.
Gardeners have a job that grows on you.
Guitarists worry too much. They are always fretting.
Jewelers and screechy singers do the same thing. Each one pierces the ears.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Judges have to be cold and chilly. The job is just ice.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Juice makers lose their jobs when they can't concentrate.
Locksmiths know the key to success.
Lumberjacks keep a log of every day at work.
Mechanics go home exhausted.
Opticians at a party tend to make a spectacle of themselves.
Origami shops close when the business folds.
Photographers try not to dwell on the negatives.
Pilot jokes go right over most people's heads.
Plumbers find their work draining.
Poets learn early that rhyme doesn't pay.
Roofers give their best work away. It is on the house.
Sailors on a two-masted ship make poor servants. Nobody can serve two mast-ers.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Scarecrows win prizes for being outstanding in their field.
Tailors asked how business is going all say the same thing: sew-sew.
Teachers train the mind. Engine drivers mind the train.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Teachers wear sunglasses when their pupils are too bright.
Tree surgeons open a new branch every spring.
Watch repairers always have too much time on their hands.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Watchmakers sell watches. Jailers watch cells.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Weather forecasters move away when the climate doesn't agree with them.
Holidays and seasons 38
April is always worn out. It comes right after a March of 31 days.
Balloons hate one kind of music: pop.
Beaches are damp for a simple reason: the sea weed.
Calendars have a sad secret. There is never a time when their days are not numbered.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Cats on the beach at Christmas are called Sandy Claws.
Christmas alphabets have only 25 letters. There is no L.
Christmas dinner guests are like a map of Europe: Hungary, and longing for Turkey.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Christmas trees are bad at sewing. They keep dropping their needles.
Clovers with four leaves should never be ironed. You don't want to press your luck.
Easter bunnies keep neat with a hare brush.
Easter eggs stay fit with plenty of eggs-ercise.
Elves learn the elf-abet at school.
Families with four boys in the navy are like a year. Each has four sea sons.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Flypaper is the most popular paper at the lake in summer. Every fly in the place takes it.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Ghosts are terrible liars. You can see right through them.
Ghosts ride the scariest ride at the fair: the roller ghoster.
Gingerbread men stay home when they feel crummy.
Icicles are the nosiest things in winter. Every one is an eavesdropper.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Jumpers who slip at the ditch miss the best of the year. The fall comes right after the spring.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Mummies take a vacation now and then to unwind.
Ornaments can't stay away from Christmas trees. They are hooked.
Parties on the Fourth of July are like oyster soup. Neither is any fun without crackers.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Pumpkins with a hole in them need a pumpkin patch.
Reindeer fall from the clouds in wet weather. Listen to anyone at the window: that's the rain, dear.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Santa's helpers are known in grammar class as subordinate clauses.
Sheep spend the winter break in the Baa-hamas.
Sidewalks in winter are like music. If you don't C sharp, you will B flat.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Skeletons skip the dance. They have no body to go with.
Skeletons stay calm. Nothing gets under their skin.
Snow and maple trees agree on one thing. Both leave in the early spring.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Snowmen ride to work on an icicle.
Snowmen shop in the carrot aisle, picking out noses.
Storms in winter and children with colds are nearly alike. One snows and blows, and the other blows its nose.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Sunshine in May has a trade of its own. A May sun is a mason.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Turkeys are the smartest birds at the table. They always arrive well dressed.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Turkeys never ask for dessert. They are already stuffed.
Winds to look for right after Lent are the Easterly ones.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Witches do well at school. They are the best at spelling.
Everyday things 52
Baseball teams and cakes fail for the same reason: no good batter.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Basketball players are messy eaters. They are always dribbling.
Belts are always in trouble for holding up a pair of pants.
Bicycles can't stand up on their own. They are two tired.
Boat shops always have a sail on.
Boats and heaps of snow can end up the same way: adrift.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Bowling alleys go quiet enough to hear a pin drop.
Brooms are late for work when they over swept.
Camping trips are never calm. Everything is in tents.
Candle wicks are like Athens. Each one sits in the middle of grease.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Chairs that don't like you will let you know. They can't bear you.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Clocks never give up. A clock gets on with its business best when it is completely wound up.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Clocks that are still hungry go back four seconds.
Dukes are like books. Every one has a title.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Glue makers stick with the same job for life.
Golfers bring a spare pair of pants in case they get a hole in one.
Hats tell scarves the same thing every winter: you hang around, I'll go on ahead.
Hills and pills are opposites. One is hard to get up, and the other is hard to get down.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
History books are the wettest books in school. They are full of reigns.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Jump ropes are not for everyone. Some people just skip it.
Knights are the reason the Dark Ages were so dark.
Mirrors make ungrateful friends. Cover their backs in silver and they still reflect on you.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Money on the sidewalk needs one punctuation mark. Make a dash after it.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Newspapers printed once every seven days look a little ill. They appear weekly.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Noses can't be 12 inches long. Then they would be a foot.
Paper puns are tearable.
Pencils gone blunt and bad jokes have the same fault. There is no point.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Pennies are the most sensible coins. They make cents.
Pianos are hard to get into. All the keys are inside.
Puns land best at one exact time of day: when the clock strikes one.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Queens and hats are alike at the top. Both have crowns.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Railroads are loyal. They are bound to the country by the strongest ties.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Runners who lose know the agony of de feet.
Ships are the politest things at sea. They always advance with a bow.Retold from How to Solve Conundrums (1900).
Sleeping comes easily to most people. They can do it with their eyes closed.
Soap jokes are good clean fun.
Stadiums stay cool. They are full of fans.
Stairs can't be trusted. They are always up to something.
Stamps tell envelopes: stick with me and we will go places.
Steamboats are a good place to sleep. They always leave a wake behind.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Stories and church bells have one thing in common. The good ones are often tolled.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Sundays are the strongest days. All the others are week days.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
Taxis bring the worst weather. Raining cats and dogs is bad, but hailing taxis is worse.Retold from The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915).
Tennis is a noisy game. Every player raises a racket.
Towels tell the driest jokes.
Traffic lights turn red because they have to change in the middle of the street.
Trains eat the way they sound: chew, chew.
Tubas are easy to find in the bathroom. Just look for a tuba toothpaste.
Umpires are neat eaters. They always keep the plate clean.
Walls make plans with each other: meet you at the corner.
Wheels were a big idea. Whoever made the first one started a revolution.
Wood can end up on a throne. It only has to be made into a ruler.Retold from Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903).
How this list was compiled: A collection of 314 puns. 120 are traditional: each was found as a conundrum in one of four books on Project Gutenberg, all printed before 1931, and carries that book in x.src and x.by: The Handbook of Conundrums (Edith B. Ordway, 1915) https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/32898; How to Solve Conundrums (1900) https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/44099; Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles (Dean Rivers, 1903) https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/52598; Puzzles and Oddities (1876) https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/72129. Book texts fetched from https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/<id>/pg<id>.txt and each of those puns matched by script to a passage in its book on 2026-09-18, then told again as a statement that opens with its subject. The other 194 are well-worn puns in common circulation with no known author, worded by the page writer; they carry no x. Second pass by the page writer on 2026-09-18: every line read again, doubles of the same pun cut to one, and anything about drink, smoking, weapons, romance, gambling, brand names or a group of people removed. Fix pass on 2026-09-19, after two reviews: each of the 120 book puns now names its book on the card (the d line, "Retold from ..."), and the four books are linked here under the full list. 17 lines that opened with a describing word ("Hot rolls", "Four-leaf clovers", "Gold soup") were turned round so the thing itself comes first and the Starts with menu files them where a reader looks; a subject of two words is filed under its first word (Ice cream under I, Palm trees under P). One pun about tall people was taken out, because it is a joke at the cost of how some people are built, and replaced with a clock pun from the same 1903 book ("Why is a clock the most persevering thing in creation? Because it is never more inclined to go on with its business than when it is completely wound up.", read in the book text on 2026-09-19). Puns about what people do, such as a job or a lazy pupil, stayed. Licence: public domain sources (Project Gutenberg, https://www.gutenberg.org/policy/permission.html) for the traditional puns; the wording of every line is own work